Thursday, February 19, 2015

Reality Check Update

I posted last month about Reality Check 2015 - my quest to, once again, take control of my body and health.  Ugh, I really even hate admitting that I'm trying to lose weight.  In addition to that "resolution," I have several others written down and posted on my fridge:

  • Actually stick to our budget
  • No new credit card debt
  • Eat better
  • Less screen time for everybody
  • More activity for Levi

The list goes on, but those were the biggest ones.  We're six weeks in and things are going really well.  I feel like all of the areas I'm working on affect each other, so if I can keep all the balls in the air, all the balls actually stay in the air.  We stayed within our means last month financially. Weight loss is happening slowly, steadily, and healthfully.  We have eaten out less and cooked more.

One change in our lives has helped me with all of those areas.  It's helped me be more active, eat better, spend less money, keep my Levi more active.

Are you ready for the secret?

Our gym membership.

Seriously, it has been the BEST thing for me in the last two months.  I made a commitment to Herb and my doctor about my fitness goals and how often I realistically would go to the gym.  I have only missed one or two "appointments" in the last two months.  Making working out such a priority caused me to want to eat better - why would I kill myself on the elliptical and then stuff my face with crap?

We spend so much time working out (Levi goes to kid's club) and then swimming in the pool, that I really don't have time to go shopping.  The rec center is 2 miles from Target, and I haven't stepped inside that wonderful establishment at all this year.  If there's something I really need (wedding gifts, vitamins, etc), I buy it from and get free shipping with my red card.  I still get my Target deals, I just don't have anything else sneaking in to my cart.

And the swimming, oh the swimming.   I'll admit, getting all ready for a morning at the pool is a lot of work, but sometimes the mommy guilt of dropping my kid off so I can go exercise really gets to me and knowing we are going to have 1:1 time in the pool helps me justify it.  We try to get Levi in the water at least two times a week, and it has been INCREDIBLY fruitful.  His preschool teachers have some concerns about his motor skills and muscle development, so all this extra activity has been really good for him.  When we first started going to the pool, he wouldn't let go of me, even in the very shallow water.  After weeks of consistency, he is now a goggle-wearing underwater-swimming fishy who also can float on his back.  All on his own - no formal swim lessons (yet).  He is still afraid of "deep water" but I put on goggles sometimes too and I can see that he's actually swimming underwater, not touching the bottom at all in the 3 foot deep pool.  It's so freaking exciting to watch this new skill develop.  We're hoping to enroll him in swimming lessons this spring or summer.

The gym is expensive, this I know.  We were so blessed to be given a year membership, and I cannot take that for granted.  I'm praying that we can continue to become a more healthy family!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Unexpected Tears

I've been there many times before.  Every time I pull in the parking lot, I drive by the signs that say "for laboring mothers."  I walk by women in the parking lot - some older, some new moms huffing an infant carrier, some career women taking a personal day, some young girls that should be sitting in English class rather than be at the doctor.  Everyone there's got a story, and I would be lying if I said I didn't try to figure each one out as I sit silently waiting for my name to be called.

For the women who has never been pregnant, the waiting room of the ob/gyn is pure torture.

Gosh, I wish I was past this.  I wish I could hitch up my big girl panties and own our infertility.  I wish I could celebrate all the new life being nurtured in that office instead of judging the age or life situation of the expectant mothers.  I wish that my visits with the doctor were for new life being created, rather than making sure my life and health isn't being destroyed by cancer.

My last few yearly visits have gone off without a hitch.  At first, I got to share news of our new baby (Levi), and that joy sustained me through several years of The Waiting Room.  Who cares that I missed out on pregnancy - I had a baby!  A toddler!  A preschooler!  No lump in my throat, very minimal judgy feelings.

Today was so different and I was caught completely off guard.

Today I was also an expectant mom in the waiting room.

An expectant mom without a due date.

The knot formed in my throat when I walked back the hall.  The blood pressure cuff almost caused me an anxiety attack.  "I could just get up and leave right now.  I could just go home," I actually thought.  When the nurse closed the door and it was time for me to change, I shed my clothes and my tears.  When the doctor asked about family planning, my eyes would stop leaking.

Why are we so ashamed of our tears?  Why do we fight so badly to hold them back and hide them?  When they sneak out of our eyes and down our cheek, why are we so quick to apologize for them?

You know what I learned about tears today?  They revealed the truth in my heart.  The refreshing bittersweet longing that I knew was there but hadn't really felt  or yet admitted the extent.  The truth that we have already been moving towards but seems so intangible at times...

I want a baby.