Monday, March 29, 2010

Exploding with Anticipation

How can I possibly not get my hopes up? Oh God, give me peace, and patience. Let my wants be for YOUR will, not mine. But, I'm going to go ahead and specifically pray that this week, out of who knows how many prospective adoptive parents, Herb and I are chosen. And if that happens, I KNOW it will be a miracle, and YOU will get all the credit.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Babymoon #2

Back in August, Herb and I took what I called "Babymoon Trip #1." This weekend we went on trip 2.

Here are some pictures from our weekend, and a video of an amazing performance by my sister, who is going to be famous someday. And, for the record, I saw SO many lady bugs here and there.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Spontaneous Parenthood

I think the silver lining in the adoption waiting is the fact that our lives could someday completely change with a few days notice. The thought of becoming a parent with 1 weeks notice is INCREDIBLE to me.

We are being considered for another baby situation. As always, I can't share much about the situation, and I don't know how many couples are in the pool, but the baby is due next week. CRAZY thought. Even if this isn't the baby for us, I love the idea of spontaneous parenthood.

Not my will, but Yours...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I'm Living Out a Romantic Comedy

You know how I claim to love looking back and seeing where God has His hand in stuff? Jocelyn reminded me of this story last night. (Sorry for another love story, but it's spring, these remind me of happiness, and also reassure me that if God could write such a great story for my husband and I, why not for our baby, too?)

It was October 13, 2003 and I was a college sophomore, Jocelyn was a freshmen, and Herb was a "round two" sophomore. We were all running around in the same circle of friends, but if there were any romantic feelings brewing between Herb and I, I didn't realize it yet. The three of us had been at a Professional Development day for music teachers and were dressed to the nines. After the meetings, Jocelyn and I got this hair-brained idea to go to the mall and look at engagement rings. NOT because we were in the market for them now, or anytime soon in the foreseeable future, but because who doesn't want to dream?

As were perusing, Herb called us and asked where we were, and if we wanted to hang out. We clearly filled him in on what were were doing, and he still decided to join us.

I really wish I had a video tape of these next few scenes. We went from store to store, Jocelyn and I trying on every ring we loved. (Sidenote: I was excited to discover my ring size was actually the one they kept in the case.) When prompted, Herb would claim to be MY boyfriend. He even really got into asking about cuts of diamonds and talking about the science of finding and making the perfect diamond. The sales lady was impressed that Herb could speaking intelligently about diamonds and had such an interest, too. "He's so smart," I said in a loving tone as I patted his hand.

In hindsight, maybe that's when I realized things weren't just brewing for us, but maybe there was something on tap.

So Herb and I end up together, Jocelyn marries my brother, and we all live happily ever. Man, that's awesome.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Just Buying A Onesie Here And There...

has led to a layette collection of over 60 onesies (of multiple sizes). How did this happen?! True to my life's goal and past actions, most of them were bought second hand, and definitely for $2 or less. Okay, I lied, I did spend up to $4 on a couple REALLY cute ones that were more of an outfit. It's so funny to me how I was so hesistant to start buying baby clothing, but once I started, I just can't stop. And it's not even yard sale season yet!!

The only downside is that all the clothes are yellow, orange, green, tan, or white. When this baby actually comes, I am going to need pink or blue! I have bought a few blue things, justifying it'll be easier to girl them up if we have a girl, rather than to try to boy up a pink shirt. Plus, if we have a girl, I will just buy a really cute white headband to match every outfit.

Pictured is one of my favorite Amy Coe outfits, which is actually a gift form soon-to-be Aunt Wendi!

I had a really fun time looking at all the clothing last night while I was folding it and putting it away.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Feelings of Newness

I think the next blog I start is going to be about all the strange dreams I have. I wish I could DVR my dreams, just so I could watch them when I'm awake and try to make sense of them.

This week I had a bunch of really strange dreams this week, most notably dreams with that feeling of falling in love for the first time. Driving to work this morning, trying to analyze what is going on in my subconscious mind, I went down two path of interpretation.

I started thinking about the time (in real life) when Herb and I first started dating (except I didn't know we were dating, haha). We had decided to meet at the George Street Cafe in Millersville for coffee one day over Christmas break. As I'm sitting there, waiting for him, suddenly it dawns on me, "Oh my gosh, I think this is a date." And panic set in. Will he show up? What will we talk about? If I remember correctly, I actually made a list of conversation topics. In my anxiety, I missed his car pulling up, but then I heard the door open and looked up. And there stood one of my best friends, Herb. All my fears flew out the window and an extreme calm came over me. Why was I nervous about having coffee with my friend Herb? So what if he may or may not be interested in more than friendship, he was someone I could trust. And as the story goes, within a few days, we figured out where our friendship was headed and lived happily ever after.

I enjoyed reliving that memory this morning on my way to work, how lucky I am to have fallen in love with someone I already knew SO WELL.

The other obvious interpretation of these dreams is how I am processing the adoption. Like falling in love for the first time, I am excited, but anxious. I am waiting by the phone for a special call. I am making room in my heart for someone new.

It's kind of funny, but I just realized I am obsessing over a baby the way I did in high school about boys. I think this is a little more acceptable and normal though. (At least I hope)

So, if I started a blog about my dreams, would you read it?

Monday, March 15, 2010

Glad to Be Baby Free

This was one of those weekends that I just fell more in love with my husband, and was grateful for the alone time we had.

Saturday, we spent the day ripping apart half walls, painting, and doing other things on the ever long to do list at our house. We ended up painting the wrong color (my fault), and then in the evening, while Herb was away with some friends, I put up the right color. I am loving it! Next Saturday we're going to finish the paint, and lay some tile by the front door in preparation for the new carpet that is coming.

Of course, Sunday we were beat. We slept until 9:30, skipped church, ate pancakes, watched James Bond and HGTV, and took a long afternoon nap. Perfect for a rainy day.

Thank you God, for giving us such a fun and loving marriage. As much as I want to be a mommy, I would NEVER trade this special time I've had with my husband. It's really the best thing.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Donkey Chasing A Carrot

This seems to be my mantra for the last two weeks. We keep pressing forward because we think we're almost there, but really, what does that even mean? Summer? Fall? Winter? 3 years from now? Oh God, please don't do that to us. I guess if the wait is going to be LONG, sometimes it might be better to know how much longer it's going to be. We just keep stepping forward.

Don't get me wrong, I'm am NOT wishing my life away. My calendar and heart are full right now. I am enjoying all the things that we are keeping busy with, knowing they won't be in our lives forever.

Lately, it just seems like there are so many families waiting, and so few mothers choosing adoption, how is it even feasible that we will have a child?

Probably one of the worst feelings is the pity other people show us. It's good to know people care, but right now I am trying really hard to stay positive.

The ironic thing in this whole anology is that I HATE carrots. They make me gag.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I Have A Reason To Sing

I love music for so many reasons. I love that it lifts me up, or lets me stay down (if that's where I want to be). I can't play Gershwin tunes on my clarinet without feeling on top of the world, and I still can't listen to "Untitled Hymn" without losing it. I wonder if it's the actual music/lyrics that affects me, or my association with it (like what the situation I was in when I first heard it).

Right now, there are several songs that I love to listen to, dreaming of singing them in the dark in the middle of the night. I've mentioned the Michelle Featherstone tunes before, but my new favorite is Keep You Safe (JJ Heller).

Then there are the kind of songs that break my heart. But it's the good kind of breaking. You know, the kind where you lose it completely, and then realize you've got a God on your side who is going to help you put it all back together? These are the ones that take me there right now. They even have a way of soothing the ache I wrote about.

- Your Hands (JJ Heller)
- Desert Song (Hillsong)
- Invictus (Brave Saint Saturn)

What music is speaking to you these days? JJ Heller and Michelle Featherstone are two new artists I discovered in the last few months, thanks to Jess and Lauren. Anything else I should be checking out??

Friday, March 5, 2010

Feeling Thankful

Lately, I have been seeing the positive side of not having recieved a baby yet. As we said goodbye to Isaac over the last few days/weeks/months, I really don't know how we could have formed such a tight relationship with he and Jess if we had had a baby in tow. And I wouldn't have traded those precious times for anything.

I guess what I'm saying is that, I know God has a plan, and it's nice to look back and, as far as time goes, see some things make sense. Losing a friend to cancer at 25, well, that on the other hand, will never make sense.

This week I'm feeling more patient, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure the other night, when I was sitting the nursery saying some prayers, I think I felt my arms physically ache with emptiness.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Parenthood and House Boats

Last night, I dreamed we found out we owned a house boat at the beach. Totally random, but it was a fun dream.

I think I dreamed this because of watching a new show on NBC called, "Parenthood." I have been CRACKING up at the previews for weeks. The show was more serious than I thought it would be but OOOOH how I laughed at the scenes where the one woman began pressuring her boyfriend for a baby.

"She's moving up the date! What do I do?"

Did anyone else catch it?