Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Call

I openly admit that even after 6 months of being on "the list," I still FREAK out every time I see a Lancaster phone number that I don't recognize on my caller ID. 

Today, I got a call.  There was a voicemail.  And it was our social worker, "Michelle, could you please call me back ASAP?  I want to talk to you about a possible situation."

THEY NEVER CALL.  Every communication we have with the agency is through email.  Each potential situation, each clarification of expectations, each rejection.  All done through email.  It's really quite efficient.

I knew this had to be important.  I mean REALLY important.  So important that I worked myself into a stomach ache, and threw a video in for my next class just so I could call her back.  Somehow I managed to shoot a quick email off to Herb.

"This could be the day that changes my whole life," I thought as I nervously dialed, standing in hallway, with one foot in the door of the classroom.


Turns out, there is just a new law that they can't email us about out-of-state potential situations like they do for the birthmoms that come into the Lancaster office.

Cue Debbie Downer.  Woop-wah.

So, no, this wasn't THE CALL, but our profile will be being shown again next week, so that's good.  I think that puts us at around 8 showings in 6 months.  Not too bad.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Excited Anticipation Overkill?

Lately I'm having trouble finding the balance of excited anticipation of our little one's arrival and worrying that I'm talking/thinking about a baby too much.  Is that something normal that even pregnant moms-to-be worry about? 

I don't want to be that person who has a one track mind.  In fact, honestly, I think even my husband can get tired of the baby talk, too. 

Sometimes I'm afraid if I don't get myself excited about it, I'll get depressed.  If I get too excited, it's all I think and talk about.  If I lay off and then slowly get depressed about it...well, that just sucks then.

I am really trying to focus on other things lately.  And guess what?  When I do, I suddenly have a little more patience during the wait, too.  Well, for this week  today, anyway.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Others

I hate knowing there are so many other families waiting for babies right now, too. I hate that other couples have felt the sting of infertility, and the hopeless feeling that the waiting game can bring.  But, I love the feeling that we are not alone in this. 

God has brought people into our lives who have BEEN THERE.  From a family in our small group to several co-workers.  All these examples of couples who survived the wait, have beautiful stories of adoption, and profess to have a stronger faith because of it.

And then there are the other families I am finding who are currently waiting; the people who know E X A C T L Y where we are right now.  Through the beauty of facebook I have been in touch with two of these other couples, and have been nothing but encouaraged by their thoughts and perspective. 

The other day when our profile was passed over again, I emailed my new friend Kristen, and she wrote back with this:

"Each time we're not picked, I am reminded that God is creating the perfect child for each and every waiting family at Bethany, and so, in this scenario, that must not have been a perfect fit for anyone in Lancaster. I hope I'm making sense. :) In many ways, that reminder provides comfort for me..."

Thank you God, for people who understand and encourage!  And for the perfect fit that each baby is going to be in each waiting family.

Monday, May 17, 2010

What If.... A Portrait of Infertility

Another waiting momma-to-be posted this video today on her blog.  To say I was moved was an understatement.  The video is made my Keiko, whose blog I'm heading over to check out.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Look At My Ticker!

Instead of rolling over to 1 year, it says, "We applied for adoption today."

Wow, that's slightly depressing.  I guess I will look for a new ticker that goes up to 1 decade.

On a side note, did you get a chance to look at my interview with Nicole Brewer?  Make sure you click play on the video to the side of the written questions!

UPDATE: Today (June 8, 2010), I decided to set the ticker to begin at the day we received our adoption approval (12/11/09). 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Exercise in Expectancy & The One Year Mark

After spending the day with our moms on Sunday, I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon doing what I do best, time consuming DIY projects.  I have been thinking about what to put above the crib for weeks now.  The focal point of the room.  The area I will stare at from the rocking chair for hours on end someday.  I wanted it to be a statement. 

I considered our child's name, but not knowing what we we name the baby, or the gender, that was out.  Especially because I wanted to do this project before the baby comes home.  I thought about quotes like "Such a big miracle in such a small baby," and or a Bible verse like "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  Nothing was really thrilling me though.

Then Joan came to visit last week.  She came bearing gifts (that fabulous crib mobile you will see in just a minute), and brilliant ideas.  She turned me onto another adoption blog which had 1 Samuel 1:27 above the crib.  I loved it.  I mean LOVED it.

Enter my lovely Cricut, Sure Cuts A Lot, some inexpensive vinyl, and behold my $3 creation:

This was my first big vinyl project, so there are definitely things I would do differently next time.  But it does the job for now.  The little secret that makes me feel really happy is the font I used for "child, prayer, and Lord," is called Segeo Script, and is the same font used in our adoption profile.

Anyway, as I was putting the letters up (which took a painstakingly long time), I couldn't help but feel like I was putting the cart before the horse with this quote.  For our child yes, I have prayed, but no, the Lord has not yet granted my desire. 

And that my friends is the moment I truly felt like I was an "expecting mom" for the first time. 

It has been one year since we began this process.  I have made my desires known, and I know my prayers will not go unanswered.  They have not been answered yet in the ways that I have expected, but I know that I am a better person for going through this journey, I am closer to my husband, and I am learning more about my Father.  Those are all good things!

A few weeks ago I stumbled onto the blog of another waiting family, and I read this, which has really stuck with me:

Waiting in expectancy means that you TRUST your Father.
Waiting with expectations means that you have DEMANDS on Him.

Oh, that my expecting may be backed by TRUST and FAITH!


Behind the Blog

I was flattered to be featured on "Behind the Blog," with Nicole Brewer of CBS 3 in Philly today.

Nicole asked me a few questions and then we did an interview over skype. Check out the questions and the video if you get a chance.

This seriously made my day! Thanks for the opportunity, Nicole!

In case you missed the link, CLICK HERE!!


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

Around a month ago, when I was at a low point, I realized Mother's Day was coming up, and that it could be potentially painful.  And you know what?  Today, it's not.

Today is about my mom.  The woman who wanted ME more than anything else in the world (well, I guess she didn't know what she was getting into!!).  The woman who taught me the value of a good bargain and how to be a good listener.  The woman who taught me the joy of DIY, and has told me around a million times how to make lazy lasagna and cherry delight.  The woman who I can chat with like a best friend about anything, and trust her opinion and wisdom like a mother (wait, that's cause she is!).  It's about her, not me today.

It's also about the woman who gave life to the man that I love.  My shopping partner and IM buddy.  Without her, I would not have an amazing husband, or anyone to sit with in church.  If you ever meet my hubby and wonder how he got to be so awesome, you need to know it was because of his mom.

And finally, it's about the woman who is married to my dad.  The one is showing me that motherly love and covering your children in prayer is not something that comes only to children who are biological (which is important, given our situation!!).

These ladies are both the epitome of "MOM," and someday, I will be happy to make them "NANA."

That being said, I was very blessed by some kind words today from Joan, Jess, Lauren, Bekah, and Mary.  On a day that I was making sure was not about the WAIT, these ladies took a minute to send me a card or a message - reminding me the wait WILL come to an end.  That was really special.  Thanks guys.

So, this one's for you, Mom.  I hope next year you get Mother's Day and Grandparent's Day!!!


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

We're Ready

On Friday night, in a hotel on a loud busy street in downtown Baltimore, I cuddled my godson Adin in the hotel cafe, in the wee hours of the morning, giving his momma and papa a few hours of much needed rest. It was completely exhausting, but as I laid myself and the baby down for a 6am nap, I realized I am ready. I slept only 3 hours that night, and I didn't even care! Matt (the papa) told me that particular sleepless night of Adin's was a "worst case scenario," and I survived it. I loved it, in fact. I want that!

Today, there is another birthmom looking at our profile. I think this is officially the 5th viewing in 5 months that we've had. Not to mention the 4-5 situations we passed on.

I am to the point where I have stopped letting my hopes get up too high every time. This time, I expect to NOT be chosen. Yet, even with these guarded feelings, with each rejection I am more devastated than the last. In fact, last Thursday I melted down during lunch in the faculty room. That was embarrassing and humbling.

I'm ready. Herb's ready. The nursery is ready. My career is ready. Our families are ready.

The school year is coming to an end, and I am laughing at myself, thinking back to August when I said, "I don't mind starting this school year because I know I'm not going to finish it." Ooops. Eating my words.

And yet, the only thing I can really do is lean on my faith. The only prayer I can pray is, "Your will, not mine...but you know my desires."