Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
how very lost one can be, And bitterness fires through me.
The brilliance that was is flickering cold, slowly burning to ash.
I'm choking on pride, I'm closing my eyes,
'till one day I'm scared to go back.
Destroy the blindness, Peace Eternal.
Take this beaten soul, shivering hands I will raise.
Hope Unstoppable, Sing the morning sun,
Wake up oh sleeper, the Daylight has come.
You are You are, Unbreakable.
Monday, December 28, 2009
So, as you can see, this is what I am still waiting for...
- crib mattress
- twin bed mattress
- changing table/dresser pad
- curtains (Going to have to be pretty colorful. I am going to wait till baby comes, so I can go really girly or masculine with them.)
- oh, and a baby. In case you were wondering if anything came out of "possible situation #1," the answer is...we don't know. The door has not been closed on that one, but we are still praying for it! :)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Trying to focus on the fact that there are probably hundreds of couples who were notified of this situation, and God has already planned this one out. But it's exciting to know that we're in the game.
So now, I am continuing to pray for God to guide our adoption process and to let it unfold in a way that he would be glorified!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
What a wonderful weekend. We got about 16 inches of snow on Saturday, and therefore did not leave the house since Friday night (it's now Sunday night). Some highlights for me included...
Got my car back on Friday night, only one month since the accident. Random "God story..." Friday night I was running around Wal-Mart looking for a electrical socket to charge my cell phone because I needed Herb to help me drop off my rental car by 6pm. Instead of finding a place to charge the cell, I ran into Lynne, from my small group, who offered to run me all over West York to drop of the rental and pick up the Escape. It was so shiny and beautiful, and I am so glad to have it back!
After the car ordeal, Herb and I enjoyed some last minute (and finishing) Christmas shopping (actually just his, not mine, I've been done since December 1!). We then watched a movie with Isaac and Jess, and made plans for breakfast the next morning (which didn't happen due to snow...maybe next week?).
I baked about 8 dozen cookies and two pecan pies. I would have made two pumpkin pies too, but ran out of eggs. Peanut Butter Temptation Cookies, Hershey Kiss Cookies, Chocolate Chip Cookies (sandwiched with left over frosting from Cora's birthday cake!).
After baking, I did a small amount of cleaning/dishes/etc, then I scrapbooked. I have been enjoying reading some scrapbooking/crafting blogs, and one of them has a weekly challenge. Thanks to a friend from work for gettnig me hooked up with this fun stuff!!
Friday, December 18, 2009
I loved Herb more than anything when we got married, but we were still kids. And I think we both knew that. And somewhere over the last three years, my husband has grown up. I mean really grown up. It is such an amazing feeling to know there is NO WHERE else on earth I am more safe, protected, comforted, comfortable, and happy then in his arms. He has truly learned what it means to lead a marriage, and to be to his wife as Christ is to the church.
God, why have you blessed me so?
Last night, as we talked, I told Herb that I realized he had to become this before he could be a father.
He said, "Duh," to me.
Maybe the kid is still there a little bit. :)
Thank you Herb for letting God mold you into who He wanted you to be. Thank you for choosing me to be the recipient of your love. Thank you for telling me to put on my coat and get in the car. You always know just what I need. I love you more than anything.
Monday, December 14, 2009
"I guess we can't count the reasons we don't want kids any more," I said, remembering our newlywed years of "numbering" the screaming children that gave us reasons to WAIT.
"Nope, that's off the table. We've retired it," Herb replied, without even a smudge of disappointment in his voice.
Our waitress was more than thrilled to take this picture for us. She said our story made her night and she was going to cry.
Friday, December 11, 2009
And it all leads to today, when we are approved for an adoption!
What does this mean? It means that our profile is active, and we are ready to be chosen.
Bring it on!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I keep watching our ticker...12 weeks, 4 months, 6 months, now almost 7 since we first applied for the adoption. I guess somewhere in the back (or front) of my mind, I am hoping for a miracle - to have a baby before it reaches 9 months. I think it would be neat to have a story where it took less than 9 months to have a baby. Then I start to realize the baby process began long before the ticker started...I know we're over a year into the adoption process already, from decision to want to start a family, to giving up on trying to conceive, to choosing adoption and an agency, to waiting for the first informational meeting, to references, and now for approval. I never considered how much waiting there would be before we even get to "wait for a baby" (wait to be chosen). Oh God, give me patience.
The song in my heart this week has been "Worship While I'm Waiting." Such a cheesy song from a cheesy movie, but I can't get it out of my head. I need to remember that God already knows where our baby is, what stage of development (if any) the baby is in, and where they are. He is holding the baby in His hands, and waiting for just the right moment to trust Herb and I with this responsibility.
I am not aching for a baby the way I thought I would over the holidays. It's not a pain like "I can't believe we don't have a baby yet. Life's not fair..." It's just more of a baby-consumes-my-every-waking-and-sleeping-thought issue, and wishing I could focus on something else for a minute or two. My mom lovingly assured me that if I was pregnant I would be going through the same thing.
God, use this time to prepare me. Help me to trust you more in this situation.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Dream 1 - Saturday Night
I dreamed I was very pregnant. We knew that the baby would not live, and we were bummed about that until we found out that even if you have a still birth, you can bring a baby home from the hospital. This is how adoption worked.
Dream 2 - Sunday Night
The dream begins with me lying in a hospital bed, holding a black haired little baby boy. Herb is sitting beside my bed and I say, "What happened?" Herb tells me how we have a son, and we didn't know I was pregnant until two weeks ago. "Just like that show on TLC?" I asked. I tell Herb that I don't remember being pregnant, or giving birth. To prove to me that it actually happened, he shows me a digital camera and I look through all the pictures of me in delivery. As I am holding this most precious baby, I tell Herb, "This is not what we planned for, we are supposed to be adopting." Herb assures me that everything will be just fine, we have a baby now!
And here's the kicker, the next thing I say in the dream is: "Well, I guess I can love this birth child as much as I was planning to love our adopted baby." Like I was settling to have a biological child!!! Man, if that dream doesn't tell me how "okay" I am with this whole adoption process, I don't know what does!
Dream 3 - Monday Night
My principal, who has no children, came into school holding a baby. I said, "When did this happen?" He told me that Taco Bell was giving out free babies with their value meals. The problem was that I had just eaten at Taco Bell, and didn't realize there was a baby in the bag, and I had thrown it away. So then I was wrestling with whether or not to go back to Taco Bell and get another baby, or just wait till we got picked by a birthmother. I kept saying, "If we get a Taco Bell baby, it will never know it's birth mom!"
Friday, November 20, 2009
This afternoon, I got a lunch date and lazy nap time with said prince charming.
I am blessed.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tonight I had dinner with a friend. We chatted about babies, married life, faith, politics, beer, teaching, cake decorating, sewing, and blogs. There were not long pauses in conversation, and we didn't run out of things to talk about. We shared secret baby name ideas and an apple crisp dessert. It was awesome lady time!
The funny thing is, this was the first time Joan and I have ever hung out. Joan feels like an old friend, but she's more like a new friend, but in reality, probably more of a cyber friend. She's married to a great guy who was one of my best friends from high school in another life. As our college and careers took us on different life paths, I didn't get to know Joan until they were already married (or at least pretty close to it). So between that and the beauty of blogs and facebook, I think it feels like we've known each other forever!
I know people get frustrated with the Internet/facebook stalking, but in this situation, I truly believe this has created a stronger bond. She knows what is going on in my life and where my heart is now - does it matter where that knowledge came from? This is the digital age, my friends. Yes, it is easy to get trapped behind a computer and not got out and actually foster relationships. BUT when you go out to build those relationships in person that have already be fostered online, how much richer can they be!
Thanks for an enjoyable dinner and face time, Joan. Can't wait to hang out again! And to the rest of you out there in blog world - thanks for taking enough interest in me to read! :)
What are your thoughts on friendship and the internet? Help or hinder?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Last night, as I was showing my mom different things that are new in our house since she was here last and my latests crafts and whatnot, I remembered she hasn't read our adoption profile yet. Of course, she was excited to read it!
After she was finished she said, "Wow, who are these people?" (In a good way, lol).
Herb says, "You like it? Does it make you want to give us your baby?" Because, of course, that is the test of a good profile.
Mom laughs, and then a light bulb clicks in Herb's head. "I guess you already did give me your baby."
Mom says, "Yeah, my first born, no less!"
It was such a simple conversation, but at that moment I felt so treasured by the two people who love me the most in this world.
Having mom here is always such a joy, and I can't wait to make her a grandma - she's going to be a great one!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I will be SO GLAD when this is finished. :)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
She said it would take 4-6 weeks for our approval to be written and processed, and then after that our profile can be shown to birthparents! During the next 4-6 weeks, we need to get our profile done, which is a scrapbook showing pictures of us, friends, family, hobbies, etc and just telling our story. Of course I am excited to do it!
The only down side of the the morning was that I found out that the average wait in adoption is a year from APPROVAL, not application. I was thinking we would most likely have a baby by June, but it's more like next Christmas. However, a year is the longest wait for people in our position, so it still could be before that. Who knows. I am a little disappointed, but at the same time I have incredible peace resting in God's timing.
So, now we are going to go to Baby's R Us for fun! :)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
As much as it feels to have a sparkling clean house, I think what last night showed me is what a wonderful support system we have here in York. Not only are Herb and I blessed with large biological families, but our baby is going to be so loved on by so many people who are not blood relatives to us. And doesn't it feel like that is so fitting for an adoption anyway?
If it takes a village, I know I've already been blessed with a great one.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
There are certain songs I just love to listen right now. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's our stage in this adventure, maybe it's just my taste in music. BUT these will be the songs I will look back on in 10 years and be able to listen to and remember exactly how I was feeling today.
In no particular order...
All You Need Is Love - The Beatles
Bless the Lord - Tye Tribbett
Wheels of a Dream - Ragtime Soundtrack
My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
We Build - Nicole Nordeman
How He Loves - John Mark McMillan
All Over Now - Eric Hutchinson
Forever - Chris Brown (purely for the Office Wedding)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Yesterday, I went to a music nerd workshop for all of Adams, Lancaster, Lebanon, and York counties. I always look forward to those days - getting new ideas, running into old classmates and co-ops, and being around people who share my passion. Yesterday was different. My passion wasn't there.
All day I was feeling apathetic to music education and really annoyed with the people who were obnoxiously obsessed with being a good musician and teacher. Then, during the choral reading session at the end of the day, it finally hit me. We began to sing a simple lullaby. It was nothing special, not even a melody I remember. But as I sang along (or should I say tried to sing), tears filled my eyes and a lump swelled my throat. The lullaby represented everything I feel passionate about now. Immediately, I vowed to myself that as soon as this home study is behind us, I am going to start learning lullabies. LOTS of them.
At one point in my life, I would have DEFINED myself as a musician or music teacher, etc. And now, as I told Jocelyn this morning, right now being a music teacher feels about as important as being a cake decorator, scrap-booker, bargain shopper, or TV watcher. It is something I really enjoy and love, but it is not the only part of me, and it cannot solely fulfill my life purpose.
I don't think that being a mother will solely define me either. I think I am just learning that as a woman, I fill many roles and have many purposes. And right now, I am just consumed by achieving a new role as mother and becoming better at my role as wife and Christ follower.
God, thank you for putting these desires in my heart. Who knew?
Okay, maybe my brain and back won't explode, but there is a good chance in the next few months that might heart might.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Why is it that the only books about open adoption were written in the 80's when it first began? Therefore the adopted children they are writing about are usually my age or older!! Maybe someday Herb and I can write an updated adoption book!
Friday, October 9, 2009
In the dream, we received our approval letter and within hours we had been selected by a birthmother. We didn't get to meet her, and the baby was pretty much just dropped off at our house after birth (which is not the way it happens). He was so tiny and new and holding him felt so good! There was no fear that someone would take him away and I just knew he was ours. Sarah (my sister in law) came over right away to take me out to breakfast and shopping for essential baby things. We were so unprepared for the little guy that I was toting him around in a backpack! And he was wearing one of the onesies I actually have bought already.
So, not that we're having a boy or that it will happen like this, but it was so neat to dream about it. Thanks for that little clip of hope, God. It was refreshing.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
I could have cried. Thanks, Sam.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Or should we say now I don't have to worry about tripping over the fake tile in flip flops anymore.
Thanks, Dad, for helping me install the new floors today! You rock!
Friday, September 25, 2009
To entrust the care of your child to someone else, you must actually have a child that you can name in the will, or the will is not legally binding, according to legalzoom.com.
So, I called the adoption agency to ask what other couples do in the situation. The receptionist told me, "Well, most people just say "children that will be born to us.""
I had to laugh. But now I am annoyed.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Last night, as I was waiting for my home made chicken pot pie to cook, I reorganized/cleaned out the cabinet in our kitchen. We now have two empty shelves for bottles. How long will I keep opening the cabinet looking for the tupperware that used to be there?
Hoping to get a good start on the flooring this weekend. Walking around on bare unfinished 100 year old gross floors is, well, gross! Shoes in the kitchen for sure!
Monday, September 21, 2009
And you are invited. ;)
In the meantime, I am in search of a glider/rocker. I have been looking on craigslist like crazy. If you see one cheap somewhere - give me a call. My goal is to put it in the future baby's room, and sit in there and pray for our future baby, the future birthmother, our social worker, and us as parents. I know, good idea, right? So, not mine, but I like it!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Interestingly enough, my newest follower, "kalibug," commented yesterday and said, "I'm sorry the wait is so long." At first I thought, "Aw, thanks." Today I am feeling the total opposite. I feel like everything is happening so fast. I guess that is the result of anything that is a "hurry up and wait" process.
On Monday is our second home study interview, and I just cannot believe it's already been a month since our first one. So, if you are following my math, we have one more a month from now, and THAT IS IT. Two months from now, Lord willing, we will be approved to be parents. Is that weird and funny to anyone else?
Anyway, I am sure it is normal to be sobered by the idea of being responsible for another human life, and right now I am completely there. I am overwhelmed at the thought of a total life change, and at times I mourn for the end of our newlywed days. Herb and I seem to have a more active social life in the last month than we've had in years, and I wonder if that is our subconscious way of throwing caution to the wind in these last baby-free days/weeks/months/years? (I surely hope not years).
HOWEVER, the ball is completely in our court at this time. If I wanted to grasp onto my so-called freedom a little tighter and a little longer, all it would take is one phone call. So am I going to make that call? Are my coming-and-going-as-I-please days and restful nights more important than fulfilling a lifelong yearning and desire, not to mention a God-given dream and role?
NOT A CHANCE!
One night, many years ago, I had a breakdown in Herb's old prism in the parking lot of Lyte Auditorium. "I don't know if I'm really ready to get married!! I don't know if I can do it!" I cried. Herb, frustrated and humored at the same time said, "Of course you can!" He was right. That total life changed turned out to be absolutely the best and easiest decision of my life, and just got better with time.
I'm pretty sure that's what parenthood will feel like too.
Especially if I have the same hunk telling me, "Of course you are!"
Oh, but now, he really knows what it is like to be a man and he's like even a million times better for me/to me than he was when I married him.
I AM BLESSED.
Monday, September 14, 2009
first she will have to fill out an adoption application
If she fills out an adoption application,
then she will have to have a home study
If Michelle and Herb have a home study,
then they will have to look at the safety of their home through a magnifying glass
If they inspect the safety of their home,
They will have to pro-actively replace the kitchen floor (and bathroom, but that's another story)
If they decide to replace the kitchen floor,
They will find a great deal on laminate, and continue the new floor to the living room and dining room
If they purchase new laminate,
They will have to remove the old vinyl, sub floor one, linoleum, sub floor two
If they remove the old vinyl, sub floor one, linoleum, sub floor two,
They will discover disgusting water damage from the refrigerator and dishwasher
If they discover disgusting water damage from the refrigerator and dishwasher,
They will have to replace both appliances before the new floor goes in
If they replace the appliances,
Consequently, the refrigerator will literally quit working just a few days before a new one was to be bought
If the refrigerator will literally quit working just a few days before a new one was to be bought,
Herb will remind Michelle of God's sovereign timing.
If Herb reminds Michelle of God's sovereign timing,
Michelle will still have to spend the evening looking for a new fridge
If Michelle spends the evening looking for a new fridge,
She will get frustrated
If she gets frustrated,
She will call her mother in law, vent, and look at consumer reports
If she calls her mother in law, vent, and look at consumer reports,
She will pause for a minute to post her frustration on facebook
If she posts her frustration on facebook,
She will remember to also write a blog
If she writes a blog post,
She will be reminded that all this is for a baby
If she remembers that all this is for a baby,
She is calm, and happy
If Michelle is calm and happy,
Can you give her a baby?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Right now, he's making an english muffin, toasted with pepperjack cheese and deli ham, and then topped with pancacke syrup.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Good, I was hoping you would agree with me. I just can't resist half off Wednesday's at Salvation Army. I got a onsie with palm trees and those stupid little cars you haul a surf board on.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The next homestudy is Sept 21, at Bethany again. Following that will be homestudy 3, actually in our home, hopefully at the end of October. Amy said that it will take a few weeks after that for our approval to come through, but we're thinking around Thanksgiving it should all go through. SO THEN we can say, "Anytime now."
And, just in case you are wondering, I am pretty sure in the world of adoption, "anytime" can be days, weeks, months, or years.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I feel so refreshed and actually ready to start school this week. Also, we have our first (of three) homestudy on Tuesday!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Appointment to listen to my heart? Yes.
Walk from store to store to buy clothes for my expanding belly? No.
Walk from store to store looking at baby clothes to remind myself we're still in the game? Yes.
Eating for two? No.
Eating better so I don't look like I am eating for two anymore? Yes.
Wondering if I could love a baby who is not of my flesh? No.
Knowing I could love any baby? Yes.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Here is direct quote from the book...
"Friends and Family
- Your daughter, son, or friend needs your support now. They need to you accept their role and their (future) children.
- Empathize with what the adoptive parents and children have experienced. you may not understand it completely, but they will understand your support.
- Examine your own feelings about having a child by adoption in the family. By being honest, you can separate you apprehensions from the really child who is now a family member.
- Stop and realize how very much your acceptance means to you family member. Withholding love and acceptance ripples into the extended family and can polarize family loyalties."
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Herb is really enjoying being around his precious nieces this week at the beach. I think he's getting the fever...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Here's where we're at, according to the checklist on my fridge...
1. We have chosen to pursue adoption. Herb and I knew this was on the table before we even considered a serious relationship. No, we have not tried any infertility treatments or testing. Yes, we'd still love to have a child naturally, but we don't consider adoption to be a lesser choice or that we're "settling" for this. We feel like all children ultimately belong to God, and however he decides to bless us with them is fine with us.
2. We have chosen an agency, Bethany Christian Services, and have filed an official application.
3. We have attended an educational class.
4. We have filled out very personal questionnaires that made my hand cramp.
5. I finally cleaned up our bedrooms upstairs and have one empty and ready for painting and baby furniture. (This was my favorite part so far, lol.)
Where are we at now? Next up is reading 4 books and completing our home study.
Thank you for all your prayers. I can't wait.