Saturday, February 27, 2010

For Richer or For Poorer

In preparing for our baby, Herb and I have been thinking a lot about the financial aspect of it all. Not just paying for the adoption, but life after baby in general. I know that we cannot live on just one salary, but we can live on a lot less than what we're doing now if we had to. You less vehicle to buy gas for/maintain as often, no cable (interent or tv), no cell phones, no eating out, no new clothes, really really really cheap and frugal grocery shopping.

The struggle right now is, how to you manage to pay the bills but still have time for your family? At this point, either Herb is going to need some extra part time work, or I will work in the evenings when he gets home. And if we do that, when do we ever see each other?? Either Herb will be working all the time and I'll practically be a single mom or I can go to work in the evenings and never see my husband. I feel like I can see our kids at home during the day, or I get to see my husband in the evening.

Any thoughts?

Friday, February 26, 2010

Tomorrow, we say goodbye.

All of my life, in every season
You are still God, I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Baby Paraphenalia

Today, weather pending, Sarah and I are going to a baby consignment sale. I figured if I go in with no expectations, I won't be disappointed. However, I am looking for big things like pack-n-play, travel system, high chair. Good thing I've been doing online research (Target, Walmart, Craiglist?!), so I know what a good price is (I hope).

For the record, I am praying for a daughter JUST so I can purchase this beauty:

Oh, but don't you worry, there are plenty of gender neutral alternantives that I am on the hunt for.

Such as this:

There a part of me that doesn't really want to buy anything big like that either. Because what if I have a high chair sitting around for another year, empty?

Then again, so what if I do.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Blog Award!

I've seen these flying around, and just got nominated by my friend Amber from high school.

As a recipient of the Beautiful Blogger Award, one must:

- Add a link and a note of thanks to the person giving the award
- Pass the award on to 15 bloggers whose blogs you have recently discovered that you love
- Share 7 things about yourself

Here are my VII things:

1. I pride myself with remembering dates and weird numbers. I have a thing about 12 (6, 24, etc).

2. I am learning to give up control. The hard way!

3. Through the hard learning, I am realizing the absolutely amazing support I have in my life through Herb, family, friends, church, and yes, even facebook.

4. I love making our house a home. From grocery shopping to painting. I long to make this place Herb's oasis.

5. I looooooove TV. Love it. I know, I'm a loser.

6. I haaaaaaate sporting events. You all know that already, this is jsut a reminder. I've been getting too many inviations lately, so I thought I should refresh your memory.

7. I like when our cat cuddles with us, but I love that she's not a cuddly cat. That means when she does she really loves us.

Now I am supposed to share this award with 15 other bloggers. I am picking people whose blog I read the minute it is posted, and those who I know read mine on a regular enough basis to see this award! In no particular order...

1. Walking the Valley
2. Scrappin' with Suzy
3. A Sibiling for Kali
4. Destination...Babytown
5. Heart Cries
6. Bekah
7. Bringing Up Baby
8. Stoltzfus Family
9. Baloney Bug
10. Farming Momma
11. Miseducation of Nik Cole
12. Walking in the Way

Okay, I only did 12! (Ah, see, it's that 12 thing again).

My Not So Random God

It's no secret, I am HORRIBLE at reading the Bible. But ever since I have put "Our Daily Bread" on my blog reading list, I barely miss a day. Granted, the devos are usually kind of lame. But I would say 4 out of 5 days the scripture reading TOTALLY applies to whatever is on my mind.

This morning, this is what I got...

Romans 5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Thank you...

for all your encouraging and uplifting words. Some of you have been here, some are here, and some are just rooting for us. Thank you thank you thank you.

There is so much joy to be had in the waiting, but this week was just a rough one. However, I feel a new leaf being turned, and tomorrow is a fresh start.

So many thoughts run through my head and my heart, but I need to stay focused on the goal.

From day 1 of considering parenthood, my prayer has been, "God, I don't want anything to do with this unless YOU are all over it."

He is all over this. I will stop trying to CONTROL it all!

(and stop complaining)

I needed to be reminded of that today.

P.S. Herb, you are the best. Thanks for always having my back.

Am I Being Selfish?

This week, I stopped following two blogs of Christian moms that I really enjoyed just because they were complaining about pregnany side effects.

I don't want to be that bitter person. I just really wonder how pregnancy is different if you had trouble concieving, or even adopted before having biological children. Is it possible to take pregnancy aches, pains, and sickness for granted?

There was a point a few months ago when I begged my pregnant buddy Lauren to tell me every horrible thing about being pregnant...In the bitter sea of infertility, I wanted SOMETHING to be thankful for. And boy, did she make the request worth my while with the morning sickess and what not. And I truly appreciated that!

Ironically, Lauren is feeling better now, and I officially have no interest in hearing the bad things about pregnancy.

So, bloggers of the world...if you complain about any part of motherhood or prenancy, there is a very good chance that I will hit "unsubscribe."

At least for now.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

...Because a baby is coming...

Today I was feeling bummed. There was a baby dedication at church and I felt like that special occasion was SO far from where we are now. I know, I'm melodramatic and whiny.

I have this overwhelming feeling that we appear to be "faking it." The longer we wait, the more I feel like this is not really happening. It's probably all in my head, but does it seem like Michelle and Herb are waiting and preparing for a baby that's really not actually coming? Do we look like idiots to people who are actually pregnant and have physical evidence of a baby on the way?

I was sharing this with Herb on the way to small group tonight. He said he got a little emotional during the baby dedication too, but with a more positive spin on it. "That's probably the next big thing we will do in a church, and that's exciting." He was encouraging and patient, but I was still down.

So, I walked my defeated and deflated self out of the car and into the warm home of Russ and Lynne. And there on the couch laid three little baby outfits. "A little Valentine's gift for Baby Suereth," Lynne said. "Because a baby is coming!!"

I love that she didn't even know how sad I was feeling today (or why). Thanks, Lynne (and thanks God for using Lynne). It was just the little glimmer of hope I needed tonight.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Happy Un-Birthday

9 months has come and tomorrow will be gone. In a normal pregnancy today I would be sitting in a hospital bed being waited on hand and foot while cuddling my sweet new baby - or if I had the luck of my dear friend Erin, I would be dreading the next two weeks, trying not to stress out, packing and repacking my hospital bag, and praying for patience. Either way motherhood would be VERY close at hand.

We "tried" for 9 months, applied for an adoption, and here were are waiting 9 more months later. Have we really been pursuing parenthood for 18 months already?

Yesterday, we watched, "Marley and Me." If you know me, you know I don't like sports, and I'm not crazy about dogs. But the movie did make me cry! Not when the dog died was when Jenny had a miscarriage. Oh how grateful I was to never have experienced that when I saw that clip. I truly think I would rather be in the situation of never having concieved and be pursing adoption than having one or more miscarriages and various fertility treatments before pursuing adoption. I just cannot imagine the loss. There really was a deep sense of loss when we decided to stop trying, but I don't think it even compares.

All that being said, what have I learned in the last 9 months?

1. Waiting for a baby is easier when you have an arrival date. That is probably the worst part. Not knowing if I will finish the school year, or if we will have a baby on vacation in July, or whether or not Herb will be involved in another season of marching band. It is hard to plan, so we just plan to "not" have a little one, which is sad in it's own respect.

2. We have a lot to prepare before we're parents. With every possible situation that passes over us, I let out a small sigh of relief when I realize how ready we're not. Our finances aren't in order, the baby quilt isn't finished, the bathroom is half ripped up. (But honestly, if you give me a baby tomorrow, all that other stuff doesn't matter, does it?)

3. Sometimes knowing that we're already in this phase of waiting for adoption does ease the wound of being around other pregnant women, and sometimes it still really stings. I am really really really trying to have more grace in this area.

4. Herb is going to be the most excellent father and provider, and every other good thing you hope for in a husband. I completely trust him and love him.

5. And finally, when you pray for patience, God gives it! Yeah, it's a dangerous thing to pray for because it usually includes stretching your wait longer (thanks for that one), but oh, the peace I have today. I cannot even tell you the anxiety I expected to have during this waiting period. It is just not here. Sure, when I know a birth mom is looking at our profile, I am biting my nails. But in the normal day-to-day waiting, I'm okay.

So today, baby Suereth, on your non-birthday, I can say that we are absolutely dying to meet you, but until you get here, I will be praying for you and your birthmama, and we will be okay.

And by the way, I love you already.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

What Will The Summer Hold?

As we get dangerously close to the 9 month mark, I am going to take a moment to reflect...

I know there is still a miraculous chance to beat that 9 month ticker, but I am not optimistic. I was planning (praying) to NOT finish the school year but it's February already and I can see (and have planned towards) the end of the year. There is becoming a very possible reality that June 4th will roll around and I will still be doing what I'm doing now.

For each baby that we are not chosen for there is a big let down, but also a side of me that is relieved thinking of all the things we still will have time to get finished. What a weird and crazy roller coaster.

Tonight I registered for grad classes for this summer. Finishing my masters degree would be so awesome. Three classes and a thesis is all I have left, and I think I can get the classes done this summer.

But HOW AWESOME would it be to cancel those classes because a baby came?!

Can't wait till I am wearing this again...

But to be honest, I'd rather be wearing one of these sooner...

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I'm Embarassed To Admit...

that literally EVERY SINGLE TIME an unknown number rings on my phone (especially if it is a Lancaster number), I think it's THE CALL.

I can't go on like this for long. Either we need to get a baby or I need to calm down.

Monday, February 1, 2010

You Give and You Take Away

Dear God,

Why is death so devastating? We all do it sometime, we all know it is coming eventually, we even have hope in some cases, knowing that when we are absent from our bodies, we are present with you. It is just so gut-wrenchingly awful.

How can you take away Jess's husband when her wedding rings are still SO SHINY AND NEW? I do not see your plan or your reasons yet. The only thing I can ask and figure out is that you will do something positive with all of the pain surrounding this.

I know you have a plan. I know it's not easy. I know we're not going to like it right now...or maybe ever.

If I'm going to be honest, maybe there's a little jealousy there. In a short time, Isaac is going to be WITH YOU. Sure, you're with all of us here, but to actually see you face to face... Because, who wouldn't want to go on a 200 year tour of the world? Who wouldn't want to run into Moses, Abe Lincoln and Herb III on a daily basis? I sure would love it.

God, it was so completely random how you brought them into our lives so suddenly and we became close so quickly. But I am so thankful for the time.