Friday, June 24, 2016

Genie Jesus

A few weeks ago, I had the most amazing realization.  This came a year after meeting a woman who deceived us about her pregnancy for five months, a month after the baby we referred to as "Micah" entered the world as his mother decided to forego her adoption plan, and just a few days after learning that baby "Micah" has now been placed in foster care.  My heart has shattered in a million pieces in the last year - over "Addison," over "Micah," over Levi's heart break, and over the loss of control.

But then I remembered something pivitol - as fresh as if it was yesterday, even though it happened five years ago. Too ashamed to speak the words out loud,  after Levi was born, I questioned my faith.
My favorite thing to do back in late 2010 was to talk about God's faithfulness.  God had been so faithful to Herb and I by granting our desire to become parents in a whirlwind of spontaneous parenthood that ended with a Levi.  In fact, the moment of becoming a mom and having that hope fulfilled was so powerful in my life, I got a tattoo to remind myself daily of God's kindness to me.

Then when Levi was about six months old, I started to wonder... If our adoption story had not ended with us bringing home Levi, would I still be on my soap box yelling, "GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!!!!!!  YOU CAN TRUST HIM!!"

For months, this thought tormented me.  I was paralyzed in fear of what my answer to that question may have been.

And yet...God.

Here we are today.  Weary and beaten from the journey, yet still standing because of His ability to carry my when I couldn't journey on myself.

The last year has been arguably one of the most faith challenging, tear stained years of my life, and yet, I still believe "if not, He is still good." The hows and whys of the details of the suffering of His children still float around unanswered.  I will probably never know those answers, but for now, I am okay with that. I have realized that God's faithfulness does not hinge on His ability to grant my wishes.  He is not a blue genie.  Praise Jesus.

This, my friends, is the peace that passes understanding that guards your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)

Soli Deo Gloria.


Saturday, June 18, 2016

Welcome Back, Hope.

...the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep.  Breathing is a foreign task and thinkings just too much to ask.  You're measure your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights. - Dashboard Confessional
I am ready.

Ready to talk.  Ready to come out from hiding.  Ready to address the silence.

The last month and a half has had some of my darkest moments.  Scratch that, it's been a dreadfully heart breaking year.  There have been wonderful moments and snapshots in time where joy fills my heart and laughter fills my lungs, but there were weeks when silence and depression won.

There was a lifetime movie moment that involved me crying the hard floor of my cement basement.  There was a week where I went to the gym every single day because I literally couldn't think of anything that sounded enjoyable, so I might as well do that.  There was a solid two months where my every waking thought was consumed with the idea of going back to bed.  Consumed, I exaggerate not.

And then, hope.

Out of nowhere she knocked on my door and let herself in.

"Remember me?" she asked, an old friend with whom I had parted ways months ago.  I thought our differences were irreconcilable.  But she persisted, she pursued me.  She renewed my sense of wonder and reminded my of my desires - not by acts but just by being.

It happened at the weirdest of times.  I was updating our homestudy paperwork.  A tumultuous task the first time, and by this, the third time I have done it in as many years, it should have been depressing.  But it was not, rather, it was hope filling.  We are still in this.

I am not gonna waste my shot.

So, here I write, motivated again.  The joys I had lost are beginning to return.  My finger tips tap on the keyboard the hope is flamed.  She is rooting for me, for us, for our family.

If the adoption disruption in the fall made me realize how muchI really do want another baby, the disruption this spring made me realized that someone is really missing from our family.  He or She or They are out there, somewhere, and we will get to them somehow.  I'm trusting God and I'm on my knees.

I am filled with hope while I am waiting for my hopes to again be fulfilled.  

It feels good to be back.

Back to the start, it's a new inning
It feels like the end, but it's the beginning

So I'll rejoice in the peace and suffering that put me at Your feet
You can have my doubts and fears, I know You've bottled every tear