But then I remembered something pivitol - as fresh as if it was yesterday, even though it happened five years ago. Too ashamed to speak the words out loud, after Levi was born, I questioned my faith.
My favorite thing to do back in late 2010 was to talk about God's faithfulness. God had been so faithful to Herb and I by granting our desire to become parents in a whirlwind of spontaneous parenthood that ended with a Levi. In fact, the moment of becoming a mom and having that hope fulfilled was so powerful in my life, I got a tattoo to remind myself daily of God's kindness to me.
Then when Levi was about six months old, I started to wonder... If our adoption story had not ended with us bringing home Levi, would I still be on my soap box yelling, "GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!!!!!! YOU CAN TRUST HIM!!"
For months, this thought tormented me. I was paralyzed in fear of what my answer to that question may have been.
Here we are today. Weary and beaten from the journey, yet still standing because of His ability to carry my when I couldn't journey on myself.
The last year has been arguably one of the most faith challenging, tear stained years of my life, and yet, I still believe "if not, He is still good." The hows and whys of the details of the suffering of His children still float around unanswered. I will probably never know those answers, but for now, I am okay with that. I have realized that God's faithfulness does not hinge on His ability to grant my wishes. He is not a blue genie. Praise Jesus.
This, my friends, is the peace that passes understanding that guards your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)
Soli Deo Gloria.