Monday, September 20, 2010

One Month Later...

This weekend I deleted the pictures.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  The surprised faces, the black and white ultrasound, the happy tears.  It was cathartic.  Closing of a chapter.  And now, they won't annoyingly pop up on my screen saver anymore.

I'm at the point where I am content with what is happening in my life right now, and I'm finding purpose outside of waiting for motherhood.  If it is only Herb and I for the rest of our lives, I am still one lucky girl to have the best partner and friend by my side. 

Of course, you know I still want to be a mom with everything that I am, but for now, I am feeling patient and fulfilled.

Or maybe it's just because we've been so busy...

Friday, September 17, 2010

An Odd Grateful

Last night we went to the York Fair.  As much as I dislike animals in general, I love seeing the pigs and lambs with their new little babies.  I'm not sure why, but I just think baby piglets are about the cutest thing in the world.

New to the fair this year was the "Birthing Center."  They featured several animals who were full term and close to birth, and some whose babies were just days old.  We saw 3 day old Guinea pigs and 4 day old lambs.  The was a llama so close to delivery that they shrouded the cage to give her some privacy (I know it was a llama because I peeked in, much to Herb's dismay).

The most disturbing site was a pig who was due today.  She was obviously in labor, but as another (knowledgeable) onlooker commented, not too close to delivery.  Laying on her side, you could watch her belly contract, she would moan, and then her legs would shake. 

In that moment, I was super grateful for adoption.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

One Foot in Front Of The Other

Moving on is weird.

God's grace is so big, and he has not given me anything I can't handle.  With his help, the support of an amazing husband, caring words and hugs from everyone else, a wonderful job to pour myself into, I am getting through this.  I am moving on.  Healing.

Sometimes it feels like the whole month of August didn't happen.  From August 2-16 I was preparing to be a mother.  From August 17-26 there was still an {unhopeful} chance that I could become a mother. It is now September, and we are sure the book is closed.  In fact, we have already had 3 more potential situations come along.  Game on.

When my friend Jess lost her husband of 8 months in February, she said looking back on their relationship, marriage, and his death felt like it happened all so fast, just like a blip in time.

In some way, I'm feeling like that too.  Since we never actually had the baby or even saw the baby, I can convince myself that maybe it just never happened.  We have just moved on to living life as we were, and nothing has changed.

Until yesterday.  Oh man, it was real, wasn't it?

Yesterday, I accidentally ended up in the baby department at Burlington Coat Factory, and all the emotions of excitement, nesting, and then devastation came flooding to me.  I felt my eyes sting, my chest feel tight, and my stomach twist.  It was such a reality.  At one point we were really going to have a baby.

I felt robbed.  I left the baby department, took some really deep breaths, and bought myself a headband with a  giant flower on it.  Ah, stuff, my coping mechanism.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12