Hope of Hope

The air is crisp, the kitchen is clean, the house is quiet, the coffee is brewing.  These are the inspired moments.  The moment preschool drop off is over, and the reality of chores hasn't sunk in.  These are the times when I think - who's life is this?  I get to be me?

I was going to title this blog post "The Joy of Anticipation," until I logged on and realized that I actually DID blog about that already, it's just been that long.  I wanted to document this anticipatory time as much as I did with Levi, because it's just been so different.  So hopeful, so happy.  Five years ago I was just bitter and sad most of the time and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And now, I have contentment, peace.  Looking down a long tunnel, I saw a light, and now we are almost there.  It is surreal.

Quite honestly, at this point, 38 weeks and quickly progressing, the anticipation doesn't feel only joyful right now.  The joy and excitement is there, but it's also surrounded with anxiety, oil changes, lists, and is glued to a phone, just waiting for the message, "It's go time."  I am surprised by how stressed I feel, given that I have felt so relaxed for the last four months.

And of course there are the normal second time mom feelings - did I spend enough time with Levi recently?  Have I been too distracted?  Did we go to the park enough?  In fact, last night I was getting all weepy thinking that I didn't read to him enough in the last five years.  Adoptive parents apparently have raging anticipatory hormones, too.

This morning was good, though.  It was what led me to my inspired moment of writing.  We had to take my car for an oil change before school, so Levi and I packed up our bikes and rode from the garage to school (yeah, little town).  The wind blowing in my face reminded me of all the hours of bike rides that we have enjoyed.  The fifteen (no lie) times Levi  yelled "I love you mom!" when he was getting in line for school affirmed me and calmed my anxiety.

Recently I heard a song whose chorus plays in repeat in my head...

"Where there is no way you make a way, when no one else could reach us, you find us."

I keep reminding myself of God's faithfulness.  He has so clearly guided us thus far, I must continue to trust the next steps to Him, as well.


Popular Posts