...the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep. Breathing is a foreign task and thinkings just too much to ask. You're measure your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights. - Dashboard Confessional
I am ready.
Ready to talk. Ready to come out from hiding. Ready to address the silence.
The last month and a half has had some of my darkest moments. Scratch that, it's been a dreadfully heart breaking year. There have been wonderful moments and snapshots in time where joy fills my heart and laughter fills my lungs, but there were weeks when silence and depression won.
There was a lifetime movie moment that involved me crying the hard floor of my cement basement. There was a week where I went to the gym every single day because I literally couldn't think of anything that sounded enjoyable, so I might as well do that. There was a solid two months where my every waking thought was consumed with the idea of going back to bed. Consumed, I exaggerate not.
And then, hope.
Out of nowhere she knocked on my door and let herself in.
"Remember me?" she asked, an old friend with whom I had parted ways months ago. I thought our differences were irreconcilable. But she persisted, she pursued me. She renewed my sense of wonder and reminded my of my desires - not by acts but just by being.
It happened at the weirdest of times. I was updating our homestudy paperwork. A tumultuous task the first time, and by this, the third time I have done it in as many years, it should have been depressing. But it was not, rather, it was hope filling. We are still in this.
I am not gonna waste my shot.
So, here I write, motivated again. The joys I had lost are beginning to return. My finger tips tap on the keyboard the hope is flamed. She is rooting for me, for us, for our family.
If the adoption disruption in the fall made me realize how muchI really do want another baby, the disruption this spring made me realized that someone is really missing from our family. He or She or They are out there, somewhere, and we will get to them somehow. I'm trusting God and I'm on my knees.
I am filled with hope while I am waiting for my hopes to again be fulfilled.
It feels good to be back.
Back to the start, it's a new inning
It feels like the end, but it's the beginning
So I'll rejoice in the peace and suffering that put me at Your feet
You can have my doubts and fears, I know You've bottled every tear