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Sunday, July 17, 2011

Giggles and Snuggles Fix Everything

This afternoon I attended a baby shower for one of my friends from our new church, Ashley.  Baby Judah is scheduled to arrive in September, and I am expecting he and Levi to be best little "tribes of Israel" buddies.  {Side note:  It cracks me up to find other babies with names that come from the tribes of Israel.  So now he'll have a friend named Judah to add to his other buddy Benjamin.}

I was caught totally off guard when I felt a little sadness at the shower. I'm kind of disgusted that infertility and missing out on pregnancy can still get to me.  Somewhere between thinking about infertility and my precious little baby turning into a toddler, I really started feeling sorry for myself.  I know, I'm shallow.

I guess I was thinking about the anticipation and hope and excitement pregnancy brings and how when you're adopting, those feelings are still there, but laced with a little extra fear and need for patience.  I don't think I was actually jealous of Ashley's pregnancy, but was mourning a little bit again for what we missed out on.

The excitement of preparing for a newborn.... I'm kind of sad that that part of my life is over.  Sure we may have other children, but it's never the same as the first time.  I'm putting away baby swings, slings, and rear-facing car seats. I'm packing up onesies, booties, and zip-up pajamas...

Levi went to bed about an hour ago, but after 20 minutes, he was still fussing. I went in and rocked him.  I tickled and snuggled him, he nuzzled his face into my neck.  We fought over his pacifier, sang songs, and giggled together.

These are the important moments.  This kid means the world to me.  What a joy it is to be his mama, and to watch him turn from a helpless infant to an inquisitive and happy toddler.  When I see his big brown eyes gazing up at me, body relaxed in my arms, I can see the bigger picture.  In that very moment, all is right with the world.

Dear Lord, please forgive me for my selfishness.  I am so grateful this little miracle You have brought into our lives.

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