Letting Go

Sweat dripped down my back.  Looking for a distraction, I gazed out the wall of windows, trying to avoid my reflection in the wall to wall mirrors.  The music pounded to a Latin beat, and the Zumba instructor shouted out in counts of eight.  Moving felt good and refreshing, but still painful.  And thus, the need for a distraction to get through the final fifteen minutes of class.

I thought about the sheet of white that covered the roads.  Winters past have held so many dear moments.  The beginning of a relationship that would lead to marriage.  Celebrating the birthday of that man.  Spending time with loved ones around a movie or a board game.  The distraction worked and soon the dance music gave way to a smooth melodic haunting piano tune.

In an instant, tears stung my eyes.  Like a sudden snow squall, a flood of memories hit me, feeling as numerous as the snowflakes falling outside.  With the memories of happy times came the memories of hurts of Januaries past.  Of shattered expectations, broken relationships, and complete heart break.

And yet, a small voice whispered, "What if you let it go?"

It seems scandalous even now as I think back to that moment.

"What if you choose to remember only the happy memories?"

What's done is done.  Holding on to the hurts does not make them less painful.  Keeping tally of the transgressions did not bring validation or consolation or restoration.

So, I released them.

Like the snowflakes melt when they meet something warmer, I let the painful memories go.  Tears streaming down my face in the middle of the Zumba cool down, I finally found forgiveness.  That moment marked a new chapter in my life.  One where the wounds start to heal.  I stretched my arms and legs.  I stretched my soul.

God is still faithful when the scenarios don't resolve the way we think they should or will or God would have them.  I need to get out of His way and stop asking Him to fit inside the box of my expectations.