I'm about to get real here. Don't judge me.
A few weeks ago an amazing blessing fell into our laps - a year membership at the local rec center. This is something I've dreamed of, but have yet to find room for in the budget. So Levi and I started going fairly regularly - he'd go to the kid's club and play while I worked out, then we'd swim.
As the days turned in to weeks I realized that it was kind of dumb for me to be actually working out but not be watching what I ate at all - and when I check the scale, my realization was confirmed - I had gained 6 pounds in the first three weeks we were members! In my defense - it was literally Christmas over those weeks.
So, the calendar changed to 2015 and the scale had tipped to the highest number I had ever seen. Ironically, I was at the gym when I saw the number, so I casually thought, "Eh, at least I'm at the right place."
Then slowly my heart started to get tugged and I started realizing maybe it's time to try a.g.a.i.n. I asked God to keep tugging at my heart - to show me what a big deal my weight is. Because quite honestly, I am confident and happy, which is a place I've worked so hard to be, despite my BMI.
Asking for guidance and expecting some conviction I every so slowly started thinking about jumping back on the weight loss train. Funny enough, it was January 3 and so was everyone else in the world. I was praying for a reality check. I needed to see the weight of my weight.
The gym offered a free body composition analysis (% of body fat) and I made an appointment with my doctor and gave him free reign to yell at me. He gave me labs for blood work and said some disturbingly serious and urgent words to me about my health. A lump in my throat formed and I said, "Yes, keep talking, that's exactly what I need to hear."
So, here we are. Again. It's embarrassing to try again. But I'm out of options, and I see reality pretty freaking clearly now. I have a gym plan, I have a food plan, I have a supportive family, I have a free gym membership, I have a doctor who wants to support and follow up in a few weeks. What I don't have anymore is excuses.
I realized part of my hesitation in trying to lose weight is all the times I have failed before and being simply overwhelmed at the amount of weight I need to lose. But that's not for me to worry about right now. Today I need to worry about today. Tomorrow I will worry about tomorrow. One foot in front of the other.
And bonus - Herb reminded me that this will be a great baby fever distraction. :)
I covet your prayers as I try to take control of something that has been spiraling for as long as I can remember. If you see me, feel free to ask me how it's going and call me out on that ice cream you see me holding.
(Just kidding about the ice cream - God, in his amazing sovereignty, has allowed my body to start to hate lactose, which is sad and yet super helpful.)