Closer Than Yesterday

The situation letters keep rolling rejection is quickly followed by another possibility.  Are there more expectant mothers than there were five years ago or is this waiting momma's heart just a little more patient?

"Sometimes it feels like we're never going to get a baby," Levi whined on Christmas Eve.

With a chuckle I retold the story to my family at Christmas Dinner.

"But Michelle," my brother quickly chimed in sympathetically, "you have to remember that this is the first time Levi has been through this."

Bless his little heart.  Uncle Josh was right.

We all know I was a HOT MESS for 18 months before I added the title "Mother" to my list.  Levi's little heart is just going through the stages of hope right now, too.

I'm glad he's excited and anxious.  It will make the transition that much more joyful for him when a baby does come.  Don't get me wrong, I know there will be plenty of difficulties in his transition from only child to big brother, but I'm so happy that he is old enough to realize what an amazing thing God has brought us to.

And, as an unexpected bonus, my little guy who notices and internalizes all the interactions around him, is watching his parents go through the adoption process again and is able to ask a lot of very poignant and good questions about his own adoption.  This is one of the best things that we could be doing to help him understand.  He's been asking a lot about the day we brought him home and we looked at pictures and videos from that day last week.  In the file of hundreds of jpegs I found this picture of my mom holding Levi that I never really noticed before; the way his gaze is captured in her face, her look of hope fulfilled.

But alas, tonight was the first time I felt an intense twinge of guilt.  I know it's normal.  I know it's probably the feeling that my friend Sam has when she cuddles her 18 month old with one hand while her other hand grazes her swollen belly.  We love our first babies so much - how could we ever love someone else the same?  Will Levi or Charlotte feel like they are getting replaced?

I know a mother's love multiplies, not divides, but on this side of the equation, the math seems impossible, and that's a little scary.

So I am grateful for Levi's excitement.

We are one day closer to bringing home Levi's baby brother or sister than we were yesterday.  I don't know how many more days or weeks or months or years it will be, but today we're a little bit closer.  Anticipation is building.  Logistics are being more deeply discussed.  Reality is beginning to settle.

Little baby number two, we are all so ready for you.


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