I want so badly to not become bitter again. In an effort to prevent this, today I choose to focus on the things for which I am thankful.
* The situation has helped Herb become more ready to be a father. He was very panicked when we were first chosen, and over the last three weeks he has come to cherish the idea of children, it has become more of a reality, and I feel like I actually have a partner in this journey as opposed to someone who just "happened" to be on the same train.
* I was dreading the end of summer. When there were plans to take maternity leave, I was elated to not go back to school next week. Now that our dreams were shattered (this time), I cannot wait to get back into a routine and have the distraction of an amazing job and wonderful career to pour myself into.
* We got a crash course on financially planning to live on one salary. It would have been really tight, but I think we had figured out how to make it work. Finances in general didn't seem as bleak as I expected when put to the test, and now we have even more time to save, save, save, with specific goals in mind.
* As Herb so gently pointed out, maybe God's intervention was to have the birth father change his mind before the baby was born. It gives me chills to think about bringing a baby home from the hospital today, only to have to return him later.
* In the back of my mind, I found myself worried about whether or not our friends and family would be excited for our future child. Would you be reserved in your love because he/she was adopted? That, my friends, was the dumbest thing for me to ever worry about. The outpouring of love and support from everyone when times were wonderful and awful in these last few weeks is simply incredible.
When we expected Levi's arrival, there were no less than 150 notes of encouragement and prayers within 24 hours. When we learned about the disrupted plans, we were immediately lifted up in prayer by so many people that I won't even try to count. When I couldn't hold myself up in the last three days, and couldn't find the words to ask God for help, you guys did. For that, we will be forever grateful.
I truly hope that when the next baby comes along (and there will be another someday), that you will all be able to join us in excitement, again. I know we will all feel reserved and guarded next time, which makes me sad.
* I am still angry and sad about what happened, but every day is feeling a little better. God and I are talking again, and I am really really trying to accept that his ways are higher than mine, even though I don't understand. I know his plan is perfect, and right now I can't see the bigger picture. I see myself like a little child who is having a meltdown or temper tantrum and God is my daddy, holding me on his lap, soothing me through my tears.