So, despite the whole "push" scenario, vising the new baby Sunday was just fine. I could feel genuinely happy for my friend. Bitterness was not invited to the party, and by the grace of God, she did not show up.
But there they were, as I walked out to my car - sharp tears stinging my eyes.
"You'll never be here."
"You'll never be pregnant."
"You're probably done with babies."
"You have no control of your family planning."
And really, the infertility issues for me stem primarily from the control issues. Would I like to carry a baby safe inside me for nine months? Eh, sure. Breastfeeding? Yeah, I wouldn't have minded giving it a go. But adopting was so awesome. And so physically pain free.
What I am really mourning is the lack of control. The missing conversation that goes like this,
"Hey, do you want to have another baby?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Cool, let's pull the goalie."
Instead our conversation goes like this,
"Hey, I want to have another baby."
Then a long conversation about options, all of which seem too expensive or unattainable.
So really, it's about the lack of control.
I called another friend on the way home from the Baby Taj Mahal, "I thought I dealt with this already," I said. "Why am I here again?"
And she, ever so gently, reminded me of Paul.
A lump swells in my throat as I recount the conversation.
Our infertility is not going away, but it is something that God has used in my life to draw me closer to Him. It is the proverbial thorn in my side. It is a process of sanctification. It has caused me to rely fully on Him in this area of our lives (and honestly in so many other areas, too). And for that reliance, I am grateful.
Because I promise you, the brief moments of disappointment I felt Sunday as I left the Baby Taj Mahal were nothing in comparison to where I was three or four years ago. Nothing.
I am stronger now.
I know that God's plan for my life, for my family, is so much bigger than what I could plan. (Jeremiah 29:11)
I know what hope fulfilled feels like. (Proverbs 13:12)
I know that with God, nothing is impossible. (Luke 1:37)
And because ultimately, what I want in my life is relationship and closeness with Jesus. If this is the sacrifice (fertility) that gets me there, I accept it. What I really want is more of Him.
And I think that was the whole point of my mini-meltdown. I needed to be reminded of these truths.