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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My Brain Is Going To Explode...

If my back doesn't first. Too much flooring on Saturday; I am still hurting on Tuesday. It is annoying and significantly cutting into my "CLEANING FRENZY" week. This morning, I literally made an index card titled with each room of my house, and then about 5-10 items to be done in that room before next Tuesday (home study day). I think I will tape the card to the door of each room, so I can stay focused and work on ONE THING at a time. Some ladies from my small group are coming Friday night to help us really give the house a good one...can I help it if I want the house to be clean before they come? LOL. How ridiculous am I?

Yesterday, I went to a music nerd workshop for all of Adams, Lancaster, Lebanon, and York counties. I always look forward to those days - getting new ideas, running into old classmates and co-ops, and being around people who share my passion. Yesterday was different. My passion wasn't there.

All day I was feeling apathetic to music education and really annoyed with the people who were obnoxiously obsessed with being a good musician and teacher. Then, during the choral reading session at the end of the day, it finally hit me. We began to sing a simple lullaby. It was nothing special, not even a melody I remember. But as I sang along (or should I say tried to sing), tears filled my eyes and a lump swelled my throat. The lullaby represented everything I feel passionate about now. Immediately, I vowed to myself that as soon as this home study is behind us, I am going to start learning lullabies. LOTS of them.

At one point in my life, I would have DEFINED myself as a musician or music teacher, etc. And now, as I told Jocelyn this morning, right now being a music teacher feels about as important as being a cake decorator, scrap-booker, bargain shopper, or TV watcher. It is something I really enjoy and love, but it is not the only part of me, and it cannot solely fulfill my life purpose.

I don't think that being a mother will solely define me either. I think I am just learning that as a woman, I fill many roles and have many purposes. And right now, I am just consumed by achieving a new role as mother and becoming better at my role as wife and Christ follower.

God, thank you for putting these desires in my heart. Who knew?

Okay, maybe my brain and back won't explode, but there is a good chance in the next few months that might heart might.

3 comments:

  1. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. It's what I felt all of last year! Suddenly everything is put in a new perspective!

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  2. It's quite a journey, discovering how quickly your perspective can change.

    I tried to learn lullabies while I was pregnant, but I couldn't sing them out loud. My voice would crack and get stuck in my throat with emotion (hormones, memories, I don't know). So I learned one (Brahms). Beyond that, I sang what I could. My favorites are "Wonderful World" by Luis Armstrong and "Away In a Manger" (yes, all year 'round). Jack sings from his grandmother's old church hymnal, and Carter seems to prefer those songs. One of the few hymns I know seems to be his favorite: Amazing Grace.

    The lullabies are nice, but you and your baby will sing and hear whatever comes naturally for you. He (or she) will never know the difference; he'll just know his mama's soothing voice.

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  3. You're my first follower! I'm buying you a medal. Hehe.

    You will lull your beautiful baby to sleep with your magnificently warm voice! :)

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