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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

We're Ready

On Friday night, in a hotel on a loud busy street in downtown Baltimore, I cuddled my godson Adin in the hotel cafe, in the wee hours of the morning, giving his momma and papa a few hours of much needed rest. It was completely exhausting, but as I laid myself and the baby down for a 6am nap, I realized I am ready. I slept only 3 hours that night, and I didn't even care! Matt (the papa) told me that particular sleepless night of Adin's was a "worst case scenario," and I survived it. I loved it, in fact. I want that!


Today, there is another birthmom looking at our profile. I think this is officially the 5th viewing in 5 months that we've had. Not to mention the 4-5 situations we passed on.


I am to the point where I have stopped letting my hopes get up too high every time. This time, I expect to NOT be chosen. Yet, even with these guarded feelings, with each rejection I am more devastated than the last. In fact, last Thursday I melted down during lunch in the faculty room. That was embarrassing and humbling.


I'm ready. Herb's ready. The nursery is ready. My career is ready. Our families are ready.


The school year is coming to an end, and I am laughing at myself, thinking back to August when I said, "I don't mind starting this school year because I know I'm not going to finish it." Ooops. Eating my words.


And yet, the only thing I can really do is lean on my faith. The only prayer I can pray is, "Your will, not mine...but you know my desires."


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4 comments:

  1. It's Amanda again, following your link from Facebook...

    I really think the hardest part of the infertility journey is when you begin to leave hope. When you reach the point where you ask yourself, "what will I do if it just never happens?" and start to expect the disappointment rather than the good outcome.

    You are at the hardest, most painful part of the journey, in my opinion. And I don't even know what I can tell you to make it better, because it is such a personal hurt. Just know that you will make it through this, and someday you will have your child in your arms and you will look back on this time and be so very thankful that it ended, and that it has given you such perspective as to be so totally ready for everything that parenthood brings.

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  2. I hereby certify that Michelle Suereth is the best godmother a little boy can have.

    Since our trip I've been ruminating at your attitude throughout the whole "overnight" ordeal and what an absolute blessing you were to us!

    I'll bet we can get a referral from Baltimore's Finest, since they decided to put on a late-night siren show that seemed to impress Adin. lol.

    I also wanted to share a post from an acquaintance, and to offer you another hug:

    "I get to be that parent that I have always wanted to be and dreamnt about. Sounds cheesy I know, but throughout all my accomplishments with being a mascot, actor, etc.....all I really cared about was being a REAL father to my children and a great husband!! Being a child of a divorced family, I truly want to change that vibe and just be here when my kids need and want me."

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  3. friend,
    i kept meaning to share this link with you. it reminds me so much of you and herb.
    oh my heart aches with you. not as strong i am sure and not in the same way but i have fallen in love with you and herb and praying over baby. i am praying and believing He will guide the right chld at the right moment for you.
    i just got a car and two eyars ago it was prophesied to go to someone in ministry, me! two years ago was the lowest low moment of my life and that He saw fit to take care of me and provide a car then for me to have now is beyond my ability to comprehend.
    i am praying He sweeps everything together at just the right moments for you. love you!!!
    http://www.ephesians1baby.com/Ephesians_1_Baby/the_blog/Entries/2010/4/13_One_Year_Referral-versary!.html

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  4. You two are my spiritual rock; you deserve this. If God will listen to a confused soul like me, I'm praying for you!

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