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Monday, December 16, 2013

Too Much Control

For a few months now, maybe longer, Herb and I have been throwing around the ideas of what expanding our family looks like.  If you've been a reader here for any amount of time, you know it's not just a matter of "pulling the goalie."  We're not your average baby-makers.  So many options, yet sometimes they all feel so limiting.   Admittidly, I've been living in fear of making a wrong misstep.

Is our family "just right" with three members?
Is it selfish of me to want another baby (even though I'm not sure if I even do)?
Is it selfish of me to be a stay at home mom for only one child?
Does wanting another child make me seem ungrateful for the one we already have?
Are we in a financially stable place to take on more children?
How are we even going to have more children?
Is this the right time?  

I hemmed and hawed over these questions and more for weeks on end.

And then my wise friend Lynne so delicatly said pointed out that the problem with our infertility is not that child bearing is out of our control, but, rather, Herb and I have too much control in our family planning and expansion.  All we have is time to think about endless options and scenarios.

In thinking about expanding our family, we have a lot more "what if"s and "how will we"s and can let the fear of each stop us from moving forward with what we should be doing, as compared to normal baby-makers who can say, "Let just try and let it in the hands of God."  Our version of "Let's Just Try," involves scheduling meetings, doctors visits, insurance calls, and other seemingly logistical nightmares.  I was letting each of those things stop me from moving forward.

I have too much time and space to analyze my own selfishness, wants, and needs.  I want to just relinquish control and let what will be, be, but if I do nothing, and not just take at least one step forward, nothing will change.  Much to my surprise, for once I don't actually LIKE the ball being in my court and having this much control.

So, what is next for the Suereths?

Well, this is not a post to share big news, because I don't have any.

But we went to a meeting. We're seeking out options.  We're adjusting expectations. We're on our knees while slowly putting one foot in front of the other.

One step forward.

I don't know 2014 holds for our little family of three, but I can guess it's bigger than my dreams, bigger than what I can figure out on my own.

In the meantime, if you're a family built through adoption like ours, I'd love to converse with you over how you plan to build your family from here.   I'm open to lots of ideas and would really love to talk with some people who have walked this journey, too.

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