Made Me Mom

Many are the thoughts swirling around my head.  Celebrating a holiday from a new perspective this year has made me quite introspective.  I think back to where we were in the adoption process last year on Mother's Day.  Around that time there was a baby dedication at church and it felt so unattainable to me, that was one of the first times I felt like it would never happen for us.

(Speaking of baby dedications, sorry the pictures were a horrible mess in this post.  Now you know I have zero to no knowledge of cleaning up html.)

My friend Denyel always said that when you have a new car in mind that you want to buy, suddenly you notice that car everywhere, as if 90% of the people in the world are driving it.  I feel that way about Mother's Day.  Now that I am a mom, it seems like Hollywood and Hallmark are making an extra big deal about the simple holiday this year.  The road side flower stands have multiplied.  The radio song dedications are sweeter.  And my tears flow much more easily than ever before.  I know the truth is that in the past two years I was probably just blocking the holiday out, but oh how satisfying it is to be part of the club this year.

And I wouldn't have my club membership if it weren't for J.  They say today, the day before Mother's Day, is Birthmother's Day.   I'm kind of kicking myself now for not sending J a gift or even a card, but something in me felt like it would be a painful reminder of the holiday she isn't celebrating with Levi tomorrow.  I hope she knows how special she is to me, and how I owe every sappy tear of joy to her.

I did a scrapbook page of pictures from our visit with J, and when I look at her holding Levi, my heart breaks in a different (and somehow worse) way than it did over our own infertility.  How can you love your child so much to choose adoption?  It is not "giving up a baby" or "giving away," it is pure love, total self sacrifice.  I love you so much, I am choosing to change your life situation.  Can you even imagine the gut wrenching, tear filled, sobering nights of decision making? 

Her life's biggest pain has been my life's greatest joy.

And, in a way, God is using the birth mother-adoptive mother relationship to teach me about the sacrifices that he made on the cross, also for me.

I am so delighted to not only celebrate my mom as my mom tomorrow, but also as grandma!!!  And I'm so thankful for the additional Godly women who surround me that fill motherly roles.

But this mother's day, I am most grateful for the woman God put in my life who made me "Mom."