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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Fighting Fear, Testing Vows, and a Lullabye

Yesterday was a rough one.  Herb woke up with some concerns about his kidney.  I started the day feeling like it was no big deal - we have been there and done that.  But soon the weight of what-could-be was heavy.  Just because this is old hat doesn't mean it's welcome hat.

For the majority of the day, I was absent.  Sure,  I was there with Levi, we were at home together all day, but I wasn't really THERE.  My mind was in a hospital room sitting reliving walking beside someone through dialysis.   It traveled to dark places that test the part of our marriage vows that I cried through at our wedding.  When I said "in sickness and in health," I knew the reality of "in sickness."  But we have been so fortunate to be "in health" for 6 years.  I started thinking about "for richer or poorer." Knowing how "poor" we are now, what would happen if Herb got too sick to work?  Well, poorer, I guess.  And last night we went though medical ordeals, it was just the two of us - how in the world would we handle hospital visits and whatnot as a family of three?

The irony is in the middle of the night phone call I had with my dear friend Lauren two nights ago.  Her brand spankin' new baby has been in the NICU, learning how to breath on his own.  Covered in prayer and trusting in God's sovereignty, Lauren has no fear.  Fear is so useless - what will be will be, and at the end of the day God is still bigger than everything else and still on His throne.

And there I was, just mere hours later, fighting a raging battle with fear itself.

It will not win.

Praise God, the bloodwork and testing he had done today are coming back clear for my dear Herb; probably just a little hiccup on the post-transplant road.

And in the meantime, I will put on my big girl panties.  The result of my mental absence yesterday lead to way too many  falls, cuts, scrapes, and goose eggs.  In fact, poor little Levi may or may not have a bruise on his forehead that looks like he is sprouting a unicorn horn. {I don't want to talk about it, I'm embarrassed.}

Finally, as yesterday drew to a close, and I rocked my little goose egg baby to sleep, a lullaby came to mind.  I loved to dream about singing this lullaby to my future baby, but now that I think of it, I don't know if I ever actually remembered to sing it to him.  How timely that God laid this tune on my heart last night - last night it was my promise and apology to Levi, but it also served as a reminder to me from my Papa.

JJ Heller - Keep You Safe (listen here)
Quiet your heart, it's just a dream, go back to sleep
I'll be right here, I'll stay awake as long as you need me
To slay all the dragons and keep out the monsters, I'm watching over you
My love is a light driving away all of your fear
So don't be afraid, remember I made a promise to keep you safe
You'll have your own battles to fight when you are older
You'll find yourself frozen inside, but always remember
If you feel alone, facing the giants, and you don't know what to do
My love is a light driving away all of your fear
So don't be afraid, remember I made a promise to keep you safe

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