I am not one, my husband is not one, and my son is not one. Therefore, when another child comes in our family, that is a characteristic that will be completely unique to them. As some of you know, in the world of the first born, you are the sun. Everything revolves around you because you came first. Oh, how I still see this in my personality now (oops, sorry people who have to interact with me).
Does that mean a second child is loved any less? Oh, heck no. In fact, to some degree I am even MORE excited to become a mommy (again) because I already know how fun, rewarding, and beautiful it is.
It's just that this time, I'm not a nervous, emotional, depressed wreck about the adoption.
This adoption has been reminiscent to someone who had a surprise pregnancy for their second child. "SURPRISE!" said God, "This is the path where I'm leading you! It's totally unexpected, but I'm here and you've got this!"
It's so funny to think about where I was five years ago when I was waiting for Levi. I had bought 60+ onesies, I had the nursery ready to go, I checked and reexamined and rearranged our baby registry on a daily basis. With EVERY SINGLE potential situation that we were notified of by the adoption agency, I started planning our life with that baby. I imagined what it would be like to bring that baby home, with that birthday and that birth family scenario (from whatever I knew).
This time? So, so different.
We've had our profile shown four times. I'm excited when I get an email from the agency with a potential situation, but I'm realistic (but not pessimistic) about the outcome. I'm expecting to wait a while and I COMPLETELY trust God's timing right now. I am just so content. What a blessing that is.
The nursery is starting to get done. We have a room that is ready for a crib (which is in the attic) and is already equipped with a dresser and rocking chair (thanks Steph!) and has some babyish art on the wall. I'm definitely not getting the crib down until it's time - for now we have some of Levi's bigger toys hanging out in there, like a trampoline and an art easel. I did move all of my craft stuff to the basement and set up a studio down there, so at least that is done.
I have purchased ONE outfit (seen hanging on the nursery wall), and it will stay that way till baby comes home and I know if we need to buy pink things or get blue things out of the attic. We have made a baby registry like we did last time, but this time there are only 40 things on the registry, 20 of which are cloth diapers. I have slowly been buying things (used) that are on the registry (hello sleep sacks and nursery specific bedding), so I actually should update that again. I think all we need now are diapers and bottles.
Last time, I would spend hours writing down lists of names and researching their meanings. I was too embarrassed to talk to Herb about names back then - we were different people. He wasn't in baby mode yet, and I didn't want to seem vulnerable. Now we talk about names with the ease that we talk about weather - it's a pleasant conversation that happens very occasionally.
Five years ago I cried a lot. I wanted a baby so badly. Everything reminded me of my empty arms. This time, yesterday was the first time I cried - 10 months in to the process! And it was probably more related to Herb being in the hospital than anything else. As I was leaving the hospital, going out to my car, I passed a gentleman with arms full of pink gift bags and an overnight bag. I just knew that he was a new dad returning to spend the night with his new family. For a brief moment I got a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye grieving and wishing that a new baby was the reason for our hospital stay instead of Herb's sickness. But like I said, I don't think that really counts, because I was already emotional about Herb being sick.
The second time is so different, yes, but it some ways, it's so much better.
Oh, Lord. Thank you for your faithfulness in this waiting time. Thank you for filling my empty arms and aching heart with a beautiful boy who made me a momma. Thank you for your provision in bringing us this far in a second adoption - a place I NEVER thought we'd be. Thank you for blessing me with contentment. Thank you for giving me a life partner who shares a heart for children and parenting and serving you.